Spacious, not empty.
Coming down from an epic weekend of live music feels a lot like how I felt coming down the ladder from this hot spring. Warm. Relaxed. Cleansed. Aligned. Grounded. Inspired. Refreshed. Nourished.
The minutes, days, and weeks that follow these experiences where I'm so consistently and intensely present used to throw me for a loop. These days, I am in tune with my process and I've learned let go of the attachment I have to remembering every single detail. Experiences like this change me on a cellular level and stay with me, deep in my body. These pockets of inspiration are starting to fill the spaces where trauma used to reside.
In the past year, I've cleared out a lot of space in my life. Releasing old relationships, selling everything we own to move into the van, taking a look at how we spend our time and provide for ourselves with Hiking My Feelings. The areas between these soul-affirming experiences are spacious, not empty. I realize this is an important distinction to make for myself, because if I don't, I can really twist my brain around. This stops any inspiration that may be looking to come through dead in its tracks.
It's not so much that I was empty before and I'm spacious now. It is more like an awareness of the difference, and allowing myself to choose to process the feeling differently. When I felt this "emptiness" before, it felt sad, lonely, like the end of summer camp. I would rush to fill the void. Before making this distinction, if I felt empty, I would seek validation and feelings of fullness from resources outside of myself. I would react and do something that would at least allow me to feel seen, even if I didn't like how I was showing up. I'd have a trauma tornado, taking out anyone and anything in my path who triggered the feelings of emptiness. I would completely deny my feelings instead of being curious about them, nevermind feeling them.
Now, as I sit with this feeling of SPACE, I don't feel the rush to fill it. I know now to trust and allow. Whatever comes will come and I'll be ready when it does.
And, if I need a little something extra between now and then, I can give MYSELF that love and attention and fullness. 💚