Part Three: Hiking My Feelings on the Yosemite Valley Floor Loop

I just can't shake the "silly little girl" thing, so I dig a bit further into my #traumapack and start to unpack that.

The very Sydney parts of me - my playfulness, my energy, my curiosity, my spirit, my EXTRA - they were suppressed for so long because they fell into the category of silly little girl.

Where do I feel most safe to allow myself to be fully expressed? When I'm hiking with Barry, when we are seeing live music, and when I'm telling stories.

So it would make sense that the babysitter thing and the silly little girl thing would come up RAGING out here. This is my temple. Where I feel emotionally, physically, mentally safe to be all the way me. The babysitter comment challenged that safety and I got protective of it.

Now that I know that's a thing, I feel a bit softer. Instead of continuing to shame myself for how I lashed out at the man who chooses me every day, I turn inward.

The more I allow myself to show emotion, to stand up for myself, to explore my needs and how to articulate them, the more I learn about how I process. The more I know about how I process, the more compassion I can show myself when I don't like how I show up. I didn't realize the depth of my insecurities until I started #hikingmyfeelings. I hadn't identified just how many of my default reactions and coping mechanisms were learned, and I didn't know that I could unlearn them and respond differently if I gave myself a moment to slow down.

This solo part of this hike, these seven miles of observing my thoughts and reactions and emotions, was the exact slow down I needed. I felt the space between my shoulders soften, my clenched jaw started to relax, and I released my death grip on the fabric that I had been wearing around my neck, which was serving as my makeshift stress ball.

I could see the spring up ahead. I turned around to see if Barry was still behind me. He was. Phew. I don't like how I showed up back there. I'm going to fill up my water at this spring and wait for him. What can I say to break the ice?